Day 18 {Brisbane Photographer}

This photo a day challenge, is where I embark on the epic, personal journey to take one photograph every day for the month of January, of the things that are important to me.

When I started this photo a day journey for 2012 I had envisaged a completely different experience; one filled with anticipation, excitement and of course hope; lots and lots of hope. Hope for the future. Mainly. Naturally, there is always hope and excitement where children are involved, and I am beyond blessed to have enough excitement to last a lifetime. But there really was an extra special reason why 2012 was going to be a great year.

The buzz and excitement of the lead up to the Christmas season was compounded by the news that we were expecting our fourth beautiful baby. Believe me, I was beyond excited (and a little shocked) but so thrilled that I would be blessed with a little sibling to complete our family.

Unfortunately, our sweet bundle of joy, due August, a boy my instincts told me, would not be born to earth.

Today at eight weeks and four days my little bubble left me. With that, I lost a lifetime of hopes; of dreams and a heart full of aspirations for that child. It was as though a slice of my future simply vanished right before my eyes.

Miscarriage is such a cruel, cruel irony. On the one hand you know in your head that your baby was not ready for this world; that it was ‘for the best’. But in your heart of hearts, those words mean nothing. The uniformity of emotion cannot ring true in a situation where head and heart do not agree.

Before Lily was born I suffered a true broken heart, when at ten weeks my first beautiful angel went to heaven. But it is harder this time. So. Much. Harder. I know now looking back, that he (as I again thought ‘it’ was) made way for my sweet Lily and that makes it easier to comprehend in hindsight. But. Now, right now, there is no hindsight. No ‘other’ baby to take the pain away.

It’s funny when I got pregnant I thought to myself, “I’ve suffered my 1:4”, “Surely it won’t happen again?!”. I told myself this because, as any of those who have suffered miscarriage will understand, the thrill and excitement of early pregnancy is marred by the sheer panic it will end like the others before it. I didn’t want to get excited too early. I tried to ‘protect my heart’ where I could, but it’s simply not possible to withhold the excitement that greets you when you see those beautiful pink lines. It’s as though the excitement escalates with each sweet child you have. It is, the simplest and purest form of love at first sight.

I am truly saddened and disappointed. My heart is broken by the fact I will never get to feel him kick, or look into his eyes. I will never hold him in my arms, or hear his little cry. I will never get to see his smile. I never will tickle his toes or watch him grow. I never will. Never.

I thought about keeping ‘him’ to myself. Just for me but then I remembered the pain I felt the first time my heart was broken; the thirst for others’ stories. I needed to understand that it was ok to feel the way I did; that I was allowed to love my baby…that it was a baby. A soul made by me. I want my girls to understand, should they ever be unfortunate enough to experience the pain, that I suffered too; that I truly understand, with all my heart, how their heart aches. I want them to know the pain that drowns their soul will in all likelihood one day be softened by the love felt from the sweet, sweet embrace of another child. I need to tell myself that right now, on this sad day. That I too will feel that embrace some time soon.

Above all, of course, I want my children to know that one day they will meet two sweet angels who never made it into our family, but who were always in my heart. Always.

by nicolera

52 comments

January 20, 2012 - 7:09 pm

Kylie Walls - Hugs Nicole :-( I can relate to this and it is a really hard time. Praying the sadness passes quickly. Kylie xo

January 20, 2012 - 7:09 pm

Vanessa G - hugs.. xx

January 20, 2012 - 7:14 pm

fo - oh honey, I’m so very sorry for your loss. thinking of you xxxxxxx

January 20, 2012 - 7:18 pm

Sophie Russell - I’m so sorry to hear of your loss, Nicole. I myself suffered an early miscarriage between my second and third children. The heartbreak only eased when I fell pregnant 6 months later. I now know that it was all meant to be otherwise we would not have our beautiful 2.5 year old daughter. Doesn’t help at the time though xx Look after yourself x

January 20, 2012 - 7:22 pm

June Warry - My thoughts and prayers are with you and what strength you have to publish this. Hopefully this may also help some other women out there who have also experienced this pain. x x x

January 20, 2012 - 7:23 pm

Belinda - Very sad to hear Nicole. Sending lots of hugs your way xx

January 20, 2012 - 7:28 pm

Ellie - I am so sorry you have to go through this, it’s awful to have to go through it once, but twice is just unfair. Sending you positive and happy thoughts.

January 20, 2012 - 7:29 pm

Wendy o’sullivan - Oh Nicole I am so so sorry for your loss! Your angels know they were loved! Take time to heal! Big hugs

January 20, 2012 - 7:30 pm

Bir - Im so sorry for your loss :( my heart aches at the sound of another angel, always. Go gently my dear. And thank you for sharing.

January 20, 2012 - 7:33 pm

Jen - So sorry to hear of your loss :( Such a heartbreaking thing to go through. My thoughts are with you. xx

January 20, 2012 - 7:36 pm

Lisa Jay - I’m so sorry. You expressed this so well with your words. Your ability to share this will help others in the same situation to know it is OK to love your baby & to grieve the loss too. xx

January 20, 2012 - 7:39 pm

Karen Pfeiffer - My darling friend, as you know I’m so very sorry that your little Bubble has gone away. I was so sure he was a boy too, and I was very much looking forward to meeting him as soon as I could. I wish that I wasn’t all the way down here in SA, because knowing you were going through all of this but not being able to physically be there has been so hard. Thank you for sharing him with me. Lots and lots of love to all of you xxxxx (and lots of love from Chris, Harry, William and Grace too xx)

January 20, 2012 - 7:47 pm

katie - I’m so sorry. :-( Thank you for sharing your story for others who need it.

January 20, 2012 - 7:50 pm

Clara - You have expressed this so beautifully and in such a heartfelt way… I too suffered a miscarriage a few years ago, but did not share this publicly for 2 years because I was to scared to… Thank you for having the courage to share this intensely personal moment with us… I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you.

January 20, 2012 - 7:53 pm

Penny - Oh I’m so sorry Nicole. xxx

January 20, 2012 - 8:05 pm

Tam - I am so deeply sorry for your loss. There are no words that will heal your broken heart. Sending love and prayers to you, from a Mamma that knows, and has been there with you x

January 20, 2012 - 8:14 pm

Natalie - We are so saddened by your loss and truly believe in our hearts your miracle will come your way. Thank you for sharing your story. You write so beautifully. We love you lots and lots. Love your Sis, Ross, Scarly and your nephew xxxxxxxxxxxx

January 20, 2012 - 8:19 pm

Leanne Stamatellos - Oh Nicole, your words have touched my heart and I feel your pain. This is a huge sadness for you and your family and I am so sorry for your loss.

Take care,
Leanne

January 20, 2012 - 8:29 pm

Melissa Stampa - Nicole, I have no words to make it better. Before Evie I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks – my sixth misarriage and it doesn’t get easier I don’t think – and that one totally threw me. Sometimes the pain was so bad that I was quite literally doubled over and trying to catch my breath. It took weeks to ease to something more manageable. I hope this happens soon for you. Much love. xx

January 20, 2012 - 8:30 pm

Renee Bell - oh Nicole, i am so incredibly sorry for you and your family for your loss.. sending you love, strength and lots of hugs…
you did such a brave thing by sharing here and I am sure there are many out there who will appreciate your words, now and in the future…
xx

January 20, 2012 - 8:34 pm

LK - Nicole, I am so so sorry for your loss. xxxxxxx

January 20, 2012 - 8:36 pm

Narrelle - Oh gosh, Nic. I’m so sorry you have to be going through this. Love and hugs to you all.

January 20, 2012 - 8:39 pm

Samantha Pearce - lots of hugs Nicole. So hard to let life control things for us sometimes, it is something I’ve had to live through a few times also. xxx

January 20, 2012 - 8:39 pm

Melissa S - Oh Nic
:’( :’( :’(
I am so very sorry for your loss. I have no words to make things better just know that you are surrounded by so many beautiful loving and caring friends who are here for you during this difficult time.

xxxxxxx

January 20, 2012 - 8:40 pm

Nicole Akhurst - My heart truely bleeds for you Nicole. I know your pain, I have held it in my hands so very tightly myself and wanted to send you love, from my heart to yours… to comfort you in your deepest of sadness. To share your pain in the courageous way that you have, has touched many others that I know have felt the same grief. May your family keep you close, your beautiful children always remember those little angels that you will always hold dear to your heart. much love x x

January 20, 2012 - 8:42 pm

Mandy - Nic, you have my absolute empathy and my heart hurts for you. I wish you much peace in the coming weeks and months. Much love to you and your family at this truly sad time xoxo

January 20, 2012 - 8:43 pm

Seona - I’m so sorry Nic, sending you all my thought and hugs.

January 20, 2012 - 9:00 pm

michelle bartlett - nicole, the pain that you feel will not be made less by knowing you’re not alone, but it may be easier to get through leaning on the shoulders of those who know your pain. my miscarriage was excruciating. i was already the mother of 4 and pregnant with my fifth. my dr. told me it was a complete miscarriage (through bloodwork) a full week before i started seeing blood. i prayed every day that he was wrong –i still had morning sickness, full breasts, moodiness –how could i be having a miscarriage? i didn’t truly believe it for a very long time. i say a prayer every year on the day my baby was conceived (i was inseminated) and on my baby’s due/birth date. i was shocked at the pain i felt for someone i had never even met, held or even looked at. but it hurt me in a way i can never describe. my husband and children were wonderful and supportive, but there is a special, horribly painful bond between mothers who’ve miscarried. i’m so so sorry for your pain. you’re in my prayers.

January 20, 2012 - 9:06 pm

Kylie Carrett - Your words are beautifully poignant. The image is a parodox between the joy when you confirm a pregnancy, and the overwhelming and heartbreaking loss when it is gone. I hope that you can feel the love and support that is enveloping you right now. You know that I’m here for you, and have been every step of the way. Always your friend, Kylie xox

January 20, 2012 - 9:16 pm

marieke b - Oh sweetie I’m so sorry.

January 20, 2012 - 9:17 pm

Janet Palmer - Im writing through tears tonight, because I know this Tsunami wave all to well…
Keep strong, but allow yourself to feel, say or do whatever you need to.

Massive puffy hugs to you and your family Xx

January 20, 2012 - 9:38 pm

Danielle Stahl - How utterly heartbreaking. I am so sorry beautiful. xxxxx

January 20, 2012 - 10:15 pm

Sharon Mallin - Oh Nic – I am sorry, so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this very personal and heartbreaking story. I have no doubts how much you love your babies and it will indeed be a sweet day when you are all re-united. Big hugs to you and your family xxooxox

January 20, 2012 - 10:18 pm

Fiona Rogerson - I am so incredibly sorry to read this Nic. I too have been there before, four times now I know your pain, and my heart aches for you. xx

January 20, 2012 - 10:18 pm

Andrina - My heart goes out to you and Trevor. I’m so sorry. Thinking of you. xx

January 20, 2012 - 10:20 pm

Melanie Kellermann - Nic I’m so sorry to hear you and your family are going through such a terrible loss…sending lots of hugs your way xxxx

January 20, 2012 - 10:45 pm

Ninka - I’m so sorry for your loss Nicole xx

January 20, 2012 - 10:52 pm

Janine - Nicole, I am so so sorry for your loss. You are so brave sharing your story. I pray you find comfort in your beautiful family and hope you will be blessed again if that is your dream. It was very strange for me to log on and see this picture today because only yesterday, totally out of the blue and for no reason at all you popped into my head and at the same time I thought of you having another baby. How strange. Hugs, Janine xxx

January 20, 2012 - 11:07 pm

simone carter - Nic, I can’t say on here what I need to say to you in person. It hurts me to read this very personal and touching post. xoxox

January 20, 2012 - 11:13 pm

Lyn Walkerden - I’m so very sorry Nic. My thoughts are with you and your family at this sad time. xoxo

January 21, 2012 - 8:08 am

Sarah Brown - So sorry to hear of your loss. Thinking of you and your family. xxx

January 21, 2012 - 8:43 am

Tara - I’m so sorry to hear about your loss Nicole. My thoughts are with you and your beautiful family during this sad time. Xx

January 21, 2012 - 9:25 am

Jill - Nic – not sure what to say. Hugs my dear friend. My thoughts are with you and your family at this time. xoxox

January 21, 2012 - 10:32 am

fiona andersen - xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

January 21, 2012 - 10:32 am

cazz - Oh Nicole, I am so sorry. What a heartbreaking time for you and your family. Be gentle on yourself and take care. Thanking of you. Cazz x

January 21, 2012 - 10:38 am

Nicole - Oh Nicole, I’m so so sorry. Thank you for sharing your little boy with us and take time to look after yourself x

January 21, 2012 - 10:50 am

Robyn Geering - Huge hugs to you. Having lived through this several times myself, I know the pain you must be going through. My thoughts are with you Nic.

January 21, 2012 - 2:33 pm

Naomi - Nic I am so so sorry to read this. I hope you are doing ok and thank you for sharing such a personal experience with us all. Big hugs xx

January 21, 2012 - 3:44 pm

Brooke Patel - I am so very sorry to hear of your heartbreaking loss:( Losing a baby, your child, is the hardest thing ever. I’ve lost 7 in all and each one was devastating. We have hopes and dreams from the moment we find out. It’s hard, really hard when those dreams are taken away. Thanks so much for sharing your story. It makes such a difference to share your pain with others. It gives permission for others to do the same. Go gently:)

January 24, 2012 - 11:57 am

Amanda Ayling - So sorry to read your sad news Nicole.

January 31, 2012 - 10:45 pm

Shelly Cox - My heart breaks for you reading this post. I’m so sorry for your loss :-( Thoughts are with you. x

February 2, 2012 - 11:15 am

Meaghan Cook - How completely and utterly heartbreaking. Thinking of you Nic. xx

F a c e b o o k