Monthly Archives: January 2012

Day 19 {Brisbane Children’s Photographer}

This photo a day challenge, is where I embark on the epic, personal journey to take one photograph every day for the month of January, of the things that are important to me.

She dressed up in her finest dress.
She wanted to be beautiful.
Because today she finished kindy.
After four and half years she closed the gates one last time.
They were sad to see her go.
I was sad.
But.
She is happy and excitedly awaiting her next big adventure…

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Day 18 {Brisbane Photographer}

This photo a day challenge, is where I embark on the epic, personal journey to take one photograph every day for the month of January, of the things that are important to me.

When I started this photo a day journey for 2012 I had envisaged a completely different experience; one filled with anticipation, excitement and of course hope; lots and lots of hope. Hope for the future. Mainly. Naturally, there is always hope and excitement where children are involved, and I am beyond blessed to have enough excitement to last a lifetime. But there really was an extra special reason why 2012 was going to be a great year.

The buzz and excitement of the lead up to the Christmas season was compounded by the news that we were expecting our fourth beautiful baby. Believe me, I was beyond excited (and a little shocked) but so thrilled that I would be blessed with a little sibling to complete our family.

Unfortunately, our sweet bundle of joy, due August, a boy my instincts told me, would not be born to earth.

Today at eight weeks and four days my little bubble left me. With that, I lost a lifetime of hopes; of dreams and a heart full of aspirations for that child. It was as though a slice of my future simply vanished right before my eyes.

Miscarriage is such a cruel, cruel irony. On the one hand you know in your head that your baby was not ready for this world; that it was ‘for the best’. But in your heart of hearts, those words mean nothing. The uniformity of emotion cannot ring true in a situation where head and heart do not agree.

Before Lily was born I suffered a true broken heart, when at ten weeks my first beautiful angel went to heaven. But it is harder this time. So. Much. Harder. I know now looking back, that he (as I again thought ‘it’ was) made way for my sweet Lily and that makes it easier to comprehend in hindsight. But. Now, right now, there is no hindsight. No ‘other’ baby to take the pain away.

It’s funny when I got pregnant I thought to myself, “I’ve suffered my 1:4”, “Surely it won’t happen again?!”. I told myself this because, as any of those who have suffered miscarriage will understand, the thrill and excitement of early pregnancy is marred by the sheer panic it will end like the others before it. I didn’t want to get excited too early. I tried to ‘protect my heart’ where I could, but it’s simply not possible to withhold the excitement that greets you when you see those beautiful pink lines. It’s as though the excitement escalates with each sweet child you have. It is, the simplest and purest form of love at first sight.

I am truly saddened and disappointed. My heart is broken by the fact I will never get to feel him kick, or look into his eyes. I will never hold him in my arms, or hear his little cry. I will never get to see his smile. I never will tickle his toes or watch him grow. I never will. Never.

I thought about keeping ‘him’ to myself. Just for me but then I remembered the pain I felt the first time my heart was broken; the thirst for others’ stories. I needed to understand that it was ok to feel the way I did; that I was allowed to love my baby…that it was a baby. A soul made by me. I want my girls to understand, should they ever be unfortunate enough to experience the pain, that I suffered too; that I truly understand, with all my heart, how their heart aches. I want them to know the pain that drowns their soul will in all likelihood one day be softened by the love felt from the sweet, sweet embrace of another child. I need to tell myself that right now, on this sad day. That I too will feel that embrace some time soon.

Above all, of course, I want my children to know that one day they will meet two sweet angels who never made it into our family, but who were always in my heart. Always.

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Day 17 {Brisbane Children’s Photographer}

This photo a day challenge, is where I embark on the epic, personal journey to take one photograph every day for the month of January, of the things that are important to me.

Sigh.
So fresh and clean.
So quiet.
Love my boy when he’s like this.

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